there’s nothing wrong with holding a dream very, very dear.

my dream, however, never really coincided with college.

two years ago i was offered a management and recording deal that i turned down to graduate from college. pfffffffffff.

i’m sitting here, with a semester’s worth of math and science homework to do and two papers to write, wondering why the fuck i made that decision.

i rest assured that everything is meant to be and falls in its right place, but FUCK. i’ve had such issues trusting my intuition as i’ve halfheartedly navigated the halls of hunter college, wondering why and second guessing that call over and over.

providing that i get all this work in, i’ll finally graduate college. and what for? i don’t plan on doing a damn thing with that degree. this point in my life, this light at the end of the tunnel, has always represented the next stage in my life where i can finally be happy and do what i’ve always wanted, since i was five years old.

so, since graduating high school, i’ve systematically denied myself the sheer pleasure and birthright (as i choose to believe) that is happiness. i’ve forced myself through this fucking joke of a college career to make my parents happy instead, and seem like a grateful daughter, all the while accepting my misery as some kind of requisite.

well here i am. i won’t even be attending my college graduation so it’s not like i expect any pats on the back at the end of this pathless path. the idea of the diploma represents nothing to me. i hate to say that i barely worked on this degree, despite my good grades, which i’m very grateful for since that just means less fights between my parents and i. granted, this idea of this degree has landed me the jobs that essentially keep me alive and under a roof, so yeah, i’m appreciative. everything is meant to be, i know it is, but damn have i been unhappy.

here’s to four years of depriving myself. here’s to the rest of my life… happier, a star.

is an idea. willing it into existence.
sell everything i own, start over.

i started listening to nirvana in 5th grade
and i knew it was all downhill from there.
i never get the reassurance i need, always
seeking, never receiving quite enough. i’m
through suffering, thought this sickness would
pass by now but i’m left convulsing from utter
deprivation and i have no release. every day
spent in pain, migraine headaches, underweight.

it’s all the same song repeating, i can’t shake
this weight i’ve been buckling under since i
was just a kid, just a kid raising four others
in your typical first-generation suburban
nightmare. sprawl and weep. sprawl and
weak. i grow up, try to escape, get sucked
back in by deaths and disease i just can’t run
away from. i spend my day locked into a head
that’s always in panic mode. my brother spends
his days locked in a body that won’t fucking
function properly. what does this all mean?

i get up and try to run. i try to run, try to run.
my feet are glued to the ground, i’m stuck.
the one i love is nothing more than a vision
i’ve dreamed of. i’m alone, ruining myself-
how do i get out? where is the way out?

i keep packing boxes, i keep throwing pieces
of my past away in the hopes i can bury it,
stop remembering. nothing works. i just want
to disappear, become someone else. i want to
lose myself. i walk to run from everyone. afraid.

start packing, start packing, start packing

and i don’t want to do this anymore.
i could sit and stare forever, cold,
buried under covers, watching the
days come and go, think of better
times when we could smile but
my skin shrivels to the bone my
body grows cold without your
heat. you’re gone, and i 
remain, listening to sugar
ray, thinking of better times.

it’s been so long since i’ve smiled.
recently a blog told me that a 
wrinkled brow signals stifled
intuition, and i’ve known, i’ve
known for far too long that what
we have is done, it’s over, it’s died.

she can have you, let her swallow
your selfish self-entitlement. all i
wanted was happiness, to live in the
world instead of watching it from an
uncertain distance. i’m a shadow,
i’m a ghost dancing in your memory.
you only know who i used to be,
happy. you can’t take the grey so
i’ll give you away to make some
other innocent all the more miserable.

so get out of my head,

my house.